Calliope

 I didn't know I could say no.  Plucked like unsuspecting, unripe fruit in the garden between freeze tag and mud pies. He made playing house the X Games edition. Every weekend, a new shame, but don't tell, or you'll be the one who gets blamed. I reached out for justice anyway, and I'll be damned! I found blame and disgust. They didn't even try to make it right. This can't be how parenting works. I move on. No longer mint-in-box. They say no one wants a broken toy. I say, but I'm only broken on the inside!  Damaged goods. When you tear open your original packaging, you're not only worth less You're worthless. But I say FUCK THAT!  Why didn't you hold me and tell me it wasn't my fault? Why didn't you at least try to make it right? I was little. I deserved better. I was always worthy of love and protection. You consistently failed me, and I will never forgive you. 

 Being in the grocery store when you're sad feels like you're on another planet. There are so many people wandering the aisles, all in the own heads, living in their own realities. Like me. The lights are too bright and I can hear my broken heart beating louder than the instrumental ABBA from the ceiling. No, I don't feel like dancing. I just want some raisin bran. And a decent melon. I can't be here anymore. It doesn't have to be decent; I'll settle for edible. I can't be here anymore. Ok fuck it. They have no melons. I can't be here anymore. Or the raisin bran I like. Extra scoops. I can't be here anymore.  I start to cry. I leave my basket in the open shipping box of oranges and leave by the nearest exit.  Fuck it. I'll have peanut butter and jelly. Again.

  This is your reminder to be kind. It costs you nothing but time. Who are you without your failures? Don’t act like you’ve never needed the kindness of others. Don’t say you’ll pray for me; I don’t need your prayers. At the end of the day, I know where I’m going and it doesn’t disturb me. I live in the here and now. I know how to forgive you your trespasses, but how do I forgive myself for the things I never became? I haven’t got time left to worry about the past. You said I should be grateful for what I have. I shouldn’t want what I haven’t got. And the thing about honey drawing more flies than vinegar, mother, is that shit does the same thing. I hear your flies buzzing every time you open your mouth. 

 My anxiety is a brick wall with a cartoon impression of my head in the center. I run headlong into my anxiety so much you can see the collection of grout on the ground. I back up and take another crack at it. My anxiety is now a brick wall with a head impression and a thousand tiny stars. They call it progress. They say it has to get worse for it to get better. Keep it up. Keep going. Keep grinding because that's the way forward. Keep the momentum. Put your nose to the grindstone. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. Useless euphemisms to the rescue. My anxiety is a brick wall of terminological inexactitudes. It doesn't lie, it skirts the truth. It's alternative facts in a bucket like chum for the brick sharks, and I go again. The bricks collapse. Is that broken neck a lucky break? They ask why I didn't just go around. Go around? They never said I could go around. Now I'm covered in a pile of bricks and they say it's the latest tech in weighted blankets. FUCK!

  I am flexible. I can fit in your box, but those are your four walls, not mine. I am im perfectly designed. Daughter. Mother. Wife. I’m a maniac with a knife …in my back. And you twist . I am a player. I play by every rule, but you keep moving the goal line a foot closer to it was never going to happen anyway. I am historically ill-defined. I don’t fit your narrative, but I won’t be revised. I came correct . And what I am now is free.

    Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The founding fathers of this nation agreed that these are fundamental rights, and as such, they cannot be removed and must not be infringed upon. Our ancestors fought for freedom from tyranny in the Revolutionary War. They threw off the yoke of our oppressors and formed a government based on freedom, and its sole purpose is the preservation of these unalienable rights. The Declaration of Independence from British rule asserts that a government derives power from the people’s consent to be governed. When a government becomes destructive of these rights, the people have the right to alter or abolish it.             We, the American People, DO NOT CONSENT to be governed by a fascist dictatorship.             We do not consent to this digression from that hard-won freedom.        ...